On failures and changes of mind.

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who I work with about flowers that we love.  She was inviting me to her future farm where she will grow all kinds of things we love in common: lavender, peonies… and then she said ranunculus.  It reminded me of my sad experience with my beloved ranunculus, so I sent her the link to the story I had written about.  And then I started reading back through the (very few) blog posts I had written and realized a few things: 1. It actually ends up being a really interesting kind of journal when you write down your perspective on things at a certain point in time.  I had forgotten that I had felt the way I had in some past posts and wished I had more to read.  2. I started this project to attempt to be better at following through on some things.  And then I abandoned the project. 

I actually did have the goals in my mind and have continued to work through the list, but without intention.  So I’ve decided that I want to see this through.  As I read back through the list, though, I also realized that you can really change your opinion on things when you write something down and then wait for two years to pass.  So this post will be about some of the goals that either can’t be completed or that I don’t want to complete anymore.  Then I’ll get back to the progress! 

#4 One year send a birthday card on time to everyone in my extended family.  Unfortunately I never did this successfully.  I didn’t even get something to everyone in my immediate family on time.  I grew up with a thoughtful, celebratory mother who celebrated all kinds of things well, but really thrived on birthdays.  I always felt so special and important on my birthday, so I am strongly pro-birthday.  For everyone.  I can’t believe a person who says he doesn’t care about his birthday.  It’s inconceivable.  I also grew up having the distinct privilege of spending a lot of time around my aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, second cousins once removed, and a lot of extensions of family that I don’t even know the titles for.  We all gathered consistently for summers in Kennebunkport, Maine for an idyllic time at the beach. I am one of the youngest of the group of my generation, so my cousins have been, and still are, some of the coolest people I’ve ever known.  I grew up observing them, emulating them, and praying they would let me hang out with them.  I remember my cousin Allison teaching me how to spell my name V-I-C-T-O-R-I-A for hours on the white couch by the window.  Derek spending most of one morning shoveling out a fort for us in the sand, only to have it washed away by the next tide.  My mom and her brothers and sister retelling the same stories around the kitchen table about forging their mom’s signature on report cards, and taking the hinges off their father’s locked snack cabinet to steal his oreos. 

We don’t have the house in Maine anymore, and we don’t get to spend summers together anymore.  But I long for the familiarity of those relationships often.  For the routine of it all.  For the way I knew exactly how I fit into all of it.  So I wanted to at least take a few minutes once a year to write a note of appreciation to each member of that meaningful group.  But this is going to take a lot more discipline than I put into it during the last two years.  So add it to the list for next time!  But I didn’t get it done this time.  Hopefully they know how I feel, and hopefully someone made them feel special and important on each of their birthdays.

#15 Build something in a woodshop.  In college I was a studio art major, which is a real laugher for me now because all I can do is photography; at the other studio arts I am, at best, at a second grade level.  Nonetheless, it meant that I had to take entry level classes in at least 5 different types of studio art.  So there I was in a painting class.  Critique day always left me feeling sorry for the artists in my classes who had to spend an equal amount of time discussing my color smudges as they did discussing their work.  So my real moment to shine was whenever we had projects that didn’t involve actually painting.  One such project had us building our own stretchers (the wooden panels over which you stretch canvas for a painting surface).  Turns out I really don’t know what I’m doing, but I did love the feel of working those machines.  So when I was making my list I decided I wanted to try it again. 

Since making the list, though, I have realized two things: 1. Woodshops that let amateurs in to use handsaws are few.  I can think of one or two smart reasons for this.  2.  My friend Laura, who was also a studio major, actually built my stretcher.  I spent the hour that we were introduced to all the equipment in there and I cut one of my blocks (that’s what I remembered enjoying) but it turns out to actually build something symmetrical it takes a lot of detailed planning.  This is not something at which I thrive.  Laura does though, she’s the craftiest, most creative person I know.  And she’s also very kind to me.  And one day in college she talked me through what she was doing, but she did all the planning, measuring, and cutting for me. 

Probably craftsmanship just isn’t for me- at least I can admit that now.  Thanks for your help, Laura, I probably should have asked you to do my paintings too…

#16 Knit something that’s not a scarf.  I just kind of don’t want to do this anymore.  I mildly enjoyed knitting the one fall/winter that I did it.  But again with the detail and the planning, making something that actually works and fits isn’t probably going to be something I can accomplish without a lot of practice.  And I just don’t find myself choosing to knit in my free time.  So mark it off!  Consider yourselves, my friends, lucky that I didn’t get real into knitting hats; they certainly wouldn’t have been the kinds of hats that would actually fit a head, and you would have felt bad throwing them away.

So those are the first 3 that I’m taking off the list.  I have four more that won’t be accomplished, but I feel okay with it.  As for the rest, I’m all over it.  I’m scoping out antique shops and trolling etsy, and my roommate Joanna has been enlisted to aid in at least seven others.  More to come!